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November 8, 2005
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Boomaga is a white guy

A guy who just HAPPENS to be white. One of those white men you've heard about. To be more precise, Boomaga is a "white boy". In France, where they have, like, a different word for EVERYthing, they would call him "le whiteboy." A straight middle-class healthy functional white man is not commonly known to be the victim of discrimination - except in the strictest, technical sense of the word, as he could be easily discriminated, if placed side-by-side, from a one-eyed paraplegic Tourettes-suffering millionaire bon vivant nudist of Arab descent.

Telltale Bitemarks

Boomaga does not complain about being white. As a white boy, he can walk into a place of business - let's say, a bank - and make transactions with a minimum of hassle and suspicion. Membership has its privileges. (To be fair, though, long-haired freaky people still need not apply). Furthermore, as an articulate, decidedly un-funky glasses-wearing white boy, he can talk shop about things like 70's prog rock, or MMORPGs, and no one bats an eyelid. Except when the white boy talks to himself in line at the bank. (Consider, though, the disadvantages of this whiteness: natural dancing rhythm, penis size, and compulsively stealing the black man's music and culture.)

Keep Your Laws Off My Body

Boomaga is not rich - he carries student loan debt and owns very few assets. Nor is he strikingly handsome. Also, he is moody, forgetful, a procrastinator, and a slob. And a snorer and a smoker, an atheist, and no good at sports except swimming, and things like batting cages, darts, pool, air hockey. He's done a lot of psychedelic drugs that have affected his thinking - though he no longer does drugs, he does spend too much money at bars staring sullenly into his beer - or drinking alone at home in front of the computer on a weekend night.

Climb Every Mountain

Boomaga's had a string of busted relationships with women, the last one ending well over two years ago - he's had practically no dates since. He loves faggy hoity-toity things like classical music, mobster-style velvet tracksuits, incidental movie music, books about plagues, trivia, the rich chocolatey taste of Nesquik, and walking around believing he's so much goddamned smarter than everyone else. If provoked, he will fight you, then have sex with your sister, bringing her to orgasm again and again as noisily as possible, leaving huge wet spots on her parents' bedspread. He'll then raid the freezer and eat the last Hot Pocket.

Fried Chicken is Delicious

Boomaga's prospects for the future are iffy, as he pursues a career in audio while being half-deaf in one ear. Little known fact: Boomaga was a founding member of Supertramp and co-author of the Gideon Bible.

At last, the Fartknockers...

( TM is a wholly-owned subsidiary of ComHugeCo., S. A. Zaibatsu-kiretsu Corporate Industries Ltd., Inc. GmbH, part of the Rothschilds-Trilateral family of conspiracies.)